I need honest criticism for my new story!!?? 10 points?

Okay, before you show this to someone else or even continue it, I would suggest you proofread. There are multiple grammar and punctuation errors. You should also consider rethinking your descriptions in the beginning. It sounds like every other 13-year-old's description of their view of the most cheesily beautiful girl in the world. I think you should reestablish the relationship between the two sisters, because from my point of view it sounds like Serene is just overreacting. Descriptions, relationships, and proofreading should be on the top of your correction list.